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Hi All! There’s a topic that’s really been on my mind over the last year or so…deep listening.  I’ve heard some amazingly gifted coaches discuss this, as this subject is obviously of great importance in this work.  If someone would’ve asked me a couple of years ago, I probably would’ve said that I’m a pretty good listener.  But then I began to explore what that really means and how it shows up in my life. 

I heard many ideas about what deep listening really is and started to look back at conversations I’ve had.  The beginning of a realization was forming…ummm, maybe I’m not a very good listener!  In fact, I’m pretty sure I suck at listening, especially it seems, when it comes to those that I am really close to!! (I can literally see my ex-husband nodding as I write this!)

Listening to someone with nothing on my mind…sounds easy, right?!  Apparently not for me!  I’ve started to notice all of the filters that the words of others have to go through.  I show up with all these ideas and beliefs that truly keep me from hearing others when they talk to me…that prevent me from hearing them deeply, where they’re coming from, how they are seeing a situation and I’m definitely missing what’s being said behind their words. 

These invisible thoughts spinning around my mind are beliefs about everything, like :

-My ideas of right and wrong

-How I would handle things

-My idea of who the person is that I’m talking to

-Where I think they are taking the conversation

-The scoreboard of their past actions

-How I want to be perceived by them

-My response to what they are saying already playing out before they even finished talking (particularly if I think that I have some great and usually unsolicited advice!)

-And especially, if what they are saying possibly says something about me, what it means for me or my business, etc. 

Holy Cow!  How can I hear anything through all of that?!?  How can I show up new…clean…through that dense mess?  There’s literally so much going on in my mind, I’d be surprised if I hear a single word sometimes.  Oh, and heaven forbid if that person hits a sensitive subject and I get defensive!  Zero listening at that point!

Not an easy thing to realize, and even more so for someone that always considered herself a good listener!

So I began to pay more attention..began to see it when it was happening.  And man, do I see it show up more in my relationship with my partner than anywhere else!

Ok…Onto the argument!

I recently found myself in an argument with my beautiful partner.  No need to get into the details but needless to say, I KNEW I was in the right!  I spent most of the night having the same conversation with him over and over in my head (of course, he wasn’t part of said conversations, so I clearly won every argument!). 

We agreed to talk when he returned the next day so I was ready!  I was prepared in my position of rightness, my obvious list of examples to justify my point of view and the perfect responses to his questions and comments (which by the way, haven’t actually come out of his mouth yet but anyway!).  It was solid!  It was real!  I was ready! 

And then from somewhere in the distance I hear a couple fighting…a pretty nasty row.  Something about hearing that, got me out of my head just for a second, but it was the space that I needed.  I had the thought, “Oh, man.  We are all just doing the best that we can.”

And in that space, I realized that if I went into a conversation with my partner with all of that going on in my head, I wouldn’t hear him at all.  I knew that there would be NO space for anything new to come through…no new understanding of each other.  I would not be listening.

And if I really wanted to hear him, hear anything new, I was going to have to let go of all of that thought.  I was going to have to lay down all of my old conversations, ideas and beliefs, and show up clean.  And man, it was harder than I thought it would be!!  I was SO attached to that story!  A part of me definitely wanted to hold on tight and do what I’ve always done.  But I let go and just showed up.  And it’s in that space that our intuition and connection come through.

In the end, the conversation wasn’t perfect, for sure, but it was a start for me.  A shift has begun for me toward deeper listening...toward a deeper connection with others.

There are plenty of books and strategies that teach listening skills but I’m starting to see that, for me, there’s nothing to do, nothing to analyze.  It’s just noticing.  It’s a willingness to look in that direction and see what shows up.  And not do the thing that so often is the source of the issue…over-think :)

“Thinking about listening is the end of listening.” -Clare Dimond

So often we are quick to point out when we aren’t being listened to.  It feels so solid, so true.  And yet, how much deeper could we listen to others?  How might our relationships at home or work improve if we listened with less on our minds?  How amazing does it feel when we talk to someone and feel truly listened to…truly heard and understood? 

What if we could give that gift to the other people around us, especially now?  What could show up between two people if they met in a space free of judgement or lists of past grievances?

The answer:

Anything could happen!  The possibilities are endless!